When I made the decision to live in the truth, I was finally able to tap into my authentic self. It was and it certainly continues to be an extremely humbling experience. For me, it wasn’t painful or depressing. No, actually it was… But just for 3’21’’, which is the time ABBA would take to sing “SOS.” However, once I was done singing, “Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find, I tried to reach for you…” I saw the net result of the operation as a true form of emotional and spiritual relief.
On the bright side: I could sing in tune just like Pierce Brosnan did in “Mama Mia” and, at the same time, felt liberated from all the fakeness that I had imposed on myself and others for years. On the flipside: no more feeling magic, no more feeling better than anyone else, no more feeling so special, and no more feeling so irresistible. To live in the truth sent me right away to a state of averageness. And, as strange as it may sound, this is really working for me today. It doesn’t signify that others see me as an average, meaningless, or insignificant person. It’s just that I am who I am, instead of being a projection of what I needed to personify, so I could hide an intrinsic shyness that did not correspond to what was systematically expected of me.
Hi, my name is Nicolas and I am a raging introvert. Those who have known me for years may wonder whether I have just lost my mind. Maybe do they believe that my only salvation is to watch an installment of “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV to create some form of emotional shock that would allow me to get back on the right track? Fuck, I never got the wrong brand new Lexus for my 16th birthday! Not even a brand new Lexus for that matter! Does this mean that my parents hated me? I don’t know; those TV shows are compromising what is left of my damaged value system…
Growing-up, to be an introvert was terribly wrong. My parents viewed it as a severe social inadequacy, which once an adult could only have dire consequences. Who would want that, right? Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were introverts…! At six, I wanted to become a pro soccer player… Crazy me! I’m sorry Daddy, I meant a prominent university professor! For years I repeatedly cringed and negated my true self, so I would embrace the role and the appearance of the most extroverted man out there. And every time I would hear my mother proudly tell her girlfriends, “Everybody loves Nicolas,” that would comfort me in continuing my quest towards the absolute fakeness of my artificially-induced extroverted behavior.
How does the self-imposed need to be someone else at all costs look like? I had to be the center of all the attention at all times, regardless of the inherent risks. I developed pathologies that negated and disintegrated my authentic self but served my agenda. 15,000 “friends” on three Facebook accounts was a mark of consumption destined to affirm how popular I needed to be, so I would feel normal, extroverted like everybody else should be, or at least those who want to make it in life. Like a drug addict, I needed my attention and adoration fix, every day, more each day. I was an attention whore addicted to adoration. RED FLAGS, people! Well I ignored them all, hurting the feelings of so many people in the process. And I certainly need to make amends. I have already started the process. It feels amazing.
What saved me? I found love in myself, and I assuredly know what I want to do with it. I am also receiving tsunamis of love every single second of the day. I feel so blessed. Love helps me find a healthy answer to a lifelong dilemma: “how can anyone love me as I am? It is absolutely impossible!” I am being loved for what I am authentically. This has empowered me to understand more, without judgments, and to start changing. I can’t wait for more…
“Be yourself…everyone else is taken” Oscar Wilde. But speaking of being an introvert? If you were truly that introverted, would you have posted your feelings on a blog for everyone to see?
Great post, but I can only give it 3.5 stars since you reminded me of that terrible Heavy D & The Boyz song. Not sure what I’m looking forward to more, finding out what happens next week to Nicolas or to Hannah on Girls?
Been down the same path and it is humbling to realise how “f*kd up you were* and start to repair the relationships you had damaged along the way. It takes a lot longer to repair than the initial damage which was done with such superiority on an instant. Ignorance, stupidity and lack of consciousness is all you can say to the “Rules do not apply” which creates such devastating effects. The universal law of cause and effect only has one overriding law and that is the law of forgiveness and that is Love…